Her Bladder, which was Gatekeeping her Emotions, Finally Spoke Up
After decades of self-suppression, her body could compensate no longer
Marge (not her real name) was in her 70’s when she came to see me with urinary urgency and semi-incontinence. She would frequently feel an urgent need to urinate and often would wet herself before she was able to make it to the bathroom. She had seen many health practitioners and had tried lots of physical treatments to solve her problem.
With me, she wanted to explore the emotional side of her bladder issues. She had a hunch there was a connection, but was unaware what it might be.
As often is the case, when people “don’t know” what’s at the root of their issue, they vocalize it with surprising clarity in the first visit. They are rarely conscious that they know anything at all. Yet, prompted only by intuitive questions from me, their chosen words and specific connections can reveal the essence of what’s underneath their issue rather quickly.
Marge told me several things during our first couple of visits, that at first seemed to have nothing to do with her bladder problems, but gradually became apparent that they were all interrelated, subconsciously were affecting her urinary patterns, and pointed to the same root.
She spoke of her husband of 45+ years being controlling, dismissive of her emotional side, and rather shut down emotionally himself. He had been neglected as a child. She felt it was her responsibility to make up for that by adding color and pleasure to his rigid, utilitarian approach to life. She was disappointed that she hadn’t been able to adequately live up to that task, as his life was predictable and “grey”.
Marge acknowledged her need to be her own person and not only express herself, but to be heard by her husband. She said, “I can’t be free or at ease – so my bladder leaks.” To her, “free and at ease” meant not being watched, judged, told what she can or can’t do, and not having demands on her attention. When she had multiple people or obligations pulling at her at the same time, she noticed that the urge to use the bathroom arose.
Additionally, she felt like it was her responsibility to make her family happy and outgoing. She had 6 grown children, many of whom had spouses, and lots of grandchildren. Marge took it upon herself to always only be kind, loving, happy, and generous with the entire extended family. She shouldered this task mostly alone, saying “I feel like I have nine tenths of the responsibility to be ‘super’.”
When a problem arose with one of her adult daughters, who had cut off communication with her parents, Marge took on the burden of solving it alone. Her daughter wasn’t receptive, thus making Marge feel like a failure. She was afraid of saying the wrong things to her family and of “doing it all wrong”.
Tears filled her eyes when she admitted that this responsibility for her family’s happiness felt like a pressure squeezing down on her. This is exactly what she felt physically when she had the urgent need to run to the bathroom: a pressure squeezing down on her bladder.
Furthermore, she put her identity as a mother into the mix as well. So when she wasn’t able to maintain her family’s happiness, inadvertently said the wrong thing, or had her attempts at love rejected, her conclusion was that she was failing at being the “right kind of mother” or a “good mother”.
Failing at being a good mom “makes me want to cry through my bladder” she admitted to me.
She felt like she had failed trying to be everything to everybody. She harbored feelings of guilt and sadness, which her body was trying to release as tears through the waters of her bladder. But the sadness was never fully released. Why not?
Marge avoided expressing her true feelings because she feared her family would dismiss her, which would make her sad. To avoid feeling sadness, she suppressed her self-expression and held in her sadness. Her bladder became the storage receptacle for these, and other held emotions. Sometimes, when she couldn’t hold it in any longer, it would escape through the bladder as leakage. But it was never able to be fully released and thus persisted as a physical complaint for years.
Denying herself by living for everyone else created soul sadness. She suppressed herself for so long, she wasn’t even sure who she was anymore. That identity gap fed fear of the unknown. Stepping in to fill that gap with her authentic self required great courage to shed the identity she’d been living, while remembering a self that she had long ago left behind and forgotten.
Marge’s family was a stand-in, the recipient of what she was allowing and denying herself. The real sadness and failure was that she wasn’t allowing her true nature to exist in her current life with her current family. She wanted to pick flowers, and take slow walks, go to the beach, and express her emotional side in her home decorating. She kept it all suppressed and hidden away from her critical and emotionally negligent husband, from her children who had their own painful emotional issues they were grappling with, and from herself – because being a “good mom” never included putting herself into the picture. Everybody else’s needs, demands, expectations, and presence came first. There was so much to attend to in everybody else, that she never even came up – not in their eyes, and not in her own.
Think about the sorrow of her soul – being disregarded and so totally suppressed for decades.
The body is just the expressor of what is happening higher up. The body found a way to “cry” out the sorrow in a way that could not go unnoticed. She absolutely had to pay attention to herself when running to the bathroom several times a day.
Marge as the “before” snapshot: She gave in to her husband on most things, she kept her own needs unexpressed, she held herself to a high standard of being responsible for everyone else’s happiness, her self-identity and self-worth were tightly woven into her success in motherhood, and she had a background self-talk of “tearing myself down, feeling sad and lonely, telling myself I’m not equal to my husband, not perfect to my kids, not ideal in my approach, and not adequate in my roles”.
As we brought her patterns and fears into her awareness, she began to gain insight into where she was feeding her problems and what she might be able to change.
She was beginning to see the negative effects that putting everyone else above herself was having. How denying her needs, expression, joy, and true self (i.e. how she differed from her husband and children – how she was unique), was backfiring on her health. She was realizing that service to others did not mean at the expense of herself. The more she was negating herself while extending to others, the less she was able to do or be for anyone.
A major turning point was the day she acknowledged: “I have subjugated my personhood to serving others.”
Gradually Marge started expressing herself: her opinions, feelings, and desires.
She started playing with the idea of releasing responsibility for everyone else’s happiness.
In what felt like a revolutionary move, she started asking herself how she felt about things.
She recognized that she had a voice and an opinion, and an internal power to act from a base of confidence. “I don’t HAVE to think of others first!” she exclaimed in an epiphany one day.
As Marge began feeling her strength and living more in her power, her bladder symptoms began improving quite a lot.
During one of our last meetings, she proudly said: “I’m in charge here. I’m in control of my bladder. Not my bladder in control of me.”
Over the course of about 7 months, Marge went from being at the whim of her bladder, mostly cut off from herself, catering to everyone else in totally unrealistic, unattainable ways, (like providing the actual color to their lives!), to including herself among those she serves, giving herself air time to express herself, and permitting herself to act as her own unique person.
Her body registered this massive change and responded with more ease, flow, and predictability, not only in her urinary habits, but in her satisfaction and joy in her family, community, and life.
Pinpointed awareness, a broader consciousness, and fully accepting absolutely everything about yourself are the core of what’s needed for meaningful change and true healing.
When you feel you’ve tried everything else and still the pattern persists, it’s time to get super present in your body and open to your higher self to bring in an intelligence and loving presence that far excedes anything that your mind is ever going to construct and lead you to.
When you’re ready to take a peek or jump in completely…
**This post is for educational and informational purposes only and solely as a self-help tool for your own use. I am not providing medical, psychological, or nutrition therapy advice. You should not use this information to diagnose or treat any health problems or illnesses without consulting your own medical practitioner. Always seek the advice of your own medical practitioner and/or mental health provider about your specific health situation. For my full Disclaimer, please go to laughinglight.com/legal-disclaimer.
Very interesting. Our bodies know all.
I am aware of this and it makes sense. If one doesn't listen to self, the body will make it impossible not to hear.